Love and Desire

“To love is to have. To desire is to want.” - Esther Perel

There’s sex and there’s making love. Both are satisfying, but one is harder to achieve than the other. Anyone can just have sex. It takes an emotional investment, preparation and vulnerability to partake in the act of making love. 

Love making is the complex unification of pure love, passion, desire and emotional fulfillment. When you fully share yourself with your partner and pour yourself into one another, mind, body and soul, there is a rawness, a vulnerable to the act. It allows you to communicate all the loving feelings you have about your lover through an emotional and erotic connection.

After 14 years of marriage, two kids, a dog and a rabbit I can tell you my husband and I don’t make love often. We have sex on a regular basis whenever and wherever we can squeeze it in, but the times we actually enter that intense emotional space together where we get completely lost in each other is less frequent. 

My relationship with my husband is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced, in addition to the relationship I have with my children. Do we have a perfect marriage? Absolutely not! But, it’s pretty darn good. We are both equally dedicated to maintaining our happy relationship and at times when it can be better, we make fixing it a priority.  

My husband is my best friend, my confidant, my biggest supporter, the father of my children, my partner and my lover.

When one person is all those things to you, it can be difficult to compartmentalize them. How do you go from, you’re the guy I go to the bathroom in front of to now you’re my exciting lover who I can’t keep my hands off of?

What we need to understand is because we have the feelings of comfortability and security with our partner, we feel safe enough to fully share ourselves as true intimate lovers - the hitch... fueling the love and the desire simultaneously.

Certainly there are times in our relationship when making love just happens - somehow we find ourselves in that space of pure love and desire. It's awesome when that happens. 

Ultimately, it takes work to make your partner feel loved, secure, accepted and insalnely passionate about you, but it’s not impossible. Don’t underestimate the power of foreplay? If you practice foreplay five minutes before the act, you are preparing for sex, which is fine. Sex is an important part of your daily relationship. It is a positive way to stay connected to your partner - with other benefits that I don’t need to mention. If you engage in foreplay five days before the act, you are preparing to make love.

So what does foreplay in preparation to make love look and sound like?

Drawing by: broken isn't bad

Drawing by: broken isn't bad

  • You look beautiful
  • You are handsome
  • I admire you
  • I respect you
  • I am interested in you
  • You are strong
  • Helping each other with tasks
  • Staring at each other (one of my favorites!)
  • You are the one I want
  • Watching each other’s movements
  • Touching each other in a romantic way
  • Making out (another favorite)
  • Getting in touch with your inner sexual self
  • Watching your partner pursue a goal or take up a new hobby 
  • Witnessing your partner in his/her element (works every time)
  • Leaving each other love notes
  • Talking like lovers not just as partners/companions
  • Watching him parent your children (panty dropper!)

Feeding the romantic intimacy in between sessions, regardless of the length of time that occurs between each love making experience, helps create an environment for true intimacy and desire. But, if you find that life has gotten in the way of preparing for a night of passionate love making, there's nothing wrong with settling for some good old fashion sex!